A little later than planned

Well so much for trying to blog once a fortnight! It’s my own fault – I did exactly what all my oncology medics said not to do and I overfilled my “rest week” and paid for it with a hefty dose of exhaustion!

I’ll start with a quick update on how the chemo has gone.

The first dose which is a double went really well. Having had 3 blissful days with my beloved at the Bushmills Inn I was rested and positive and ready for what was to come. My brilliant aromatherapist (my lovely friend Nikki - An Orange Dragonfly), who is oncology trained, had everything I needed in place so when a little tip of anxiety hit I used the oils she had prepared and all was well. I was also very aware of being covered in God’s grace and in prayer as the day before I had woken thinking, “I get chemo tomorrow” and had burst into tears, whereas on the actual day I woke calm and at peace. The staff at the Cancer Centre were wonderful and I felt safe and looked after. My side effects were minimal in the days that followed; tingly feet, tiredness, loss of taste and uncomfortable mouth, a bit of diarrhoea; but no nausea or headaches. I’m so very thankful for this and know how blessed I am. What we thought might happen did however happen; my already compromised liver didn’t like the chemo and so my liver function dropped significantly enough that the week 2 (top up) dose couldn’t be given. And this is exactly what happened in cycle 2. My liver recovered enough for the week 1 double dose but dropped again too far for the week 2 top up. This time the tiredness has been pretty remarkable but all the other symptoms have stayed pretty steady. I’ve decided that my liver is like a spoilt child that stamps her feet and shakes her fists screaming “don’t touch me!” when we ask too much of her!

The steroids I’m on have had their effects too. My face has gone quite moon-shaped and my hands shake a fair bit at times but they have been so very helpful with swelling and appetite and nausea that my vanity has taken a back seat in place of gratitude for the benefits they have brought. I take a nightly sleeping tablet too which has been a game changer as even when I do waken in the night I have no anxiety about being awake and can get back to sleep reasonably quickly.

So that’s how I’m doing physically – but as we all know that’s only one part of the story.

I got to see lots of folk over the last couple of months but we’ve had to reign that back in due to me being immunocompromised by the chemo. The medics have been very clear about the need to “shrink the social circle” rather than expand it. It’s hard saying no to people but I have to be sensible – please know that if I’ve had to say no to you it was a hard thing to do. We obviously are prioritising family time and time as a couple and have had some lovely trips and outings with more in the pipeline.

Joe paid for my bestie, Lorna, and I to have a night at the Slieve Donard Hotel as he pointed out that in 31 years of friendship we’d never had an overnight - something that definitely needed to be rectified! We had a blast with so much talking done and laughter had.

Joe and I took a trip to Dublin and stayed in a gorgeous boutique B&B just 10 minutes walk from the Aviva to watch Ulster getting trounced by Connacht. With a totally seated stadium I was able to manage the match well. We came home via Howth and had the best chowder in Beshoffs seafood restaurant before heading home to a roast dinner made by Jack! All the good eating! Since then the chemo has taken its tiredness toll so I’ve been forced to really slow down but we did take Joe’s mum and dad out to James Bond (recliner seats are a necessity so we ended up in Dundonald) and an Indian meal earlier this week. Time with Noel and Lorraine is so precious and therapeutic that I always feel refreshed and rejuvenated afterwards.

Spiritually I am still so aware of being firmly in God’s hands and in His will. I’m trying to get new routines of prayer and bible reading in place as my normal ‘at bedtime’ routine no longer works as it cuts across the efficacy of the sleeping tablet. This is definitely having an effect so if you’re praying for me please do ask the LORD to help me set up new times of reading and praying that I can keep to regularly. When I am reading God’s word He is so pertinent and timely in what He is saying that it takes my breath away and I am so grateful for His input in my life. Sometimes He shows me sin I need to deal with, sometimes He encourages me with my hope for eternity, sometimes He calls me to speak out in faith about His gospel but there’s always something. I also read daily notes each morning by Joni Eareckson Tada called “Pearls of Great Price” which have been an enormous blessing. Lorna and I have, for at least the last 10 years, committed to reading the same daily notes and to discussing them as a matter of course. This book was a “God appointment” as it turns out to be a book about living with suffering in its different forms. We nearly didn’t buy it as we’d already picked out another devotional but we got such a big “nudge” that we went for it. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been struggling with something and God has used words that Joni wrote 15 years ago to bless or correct or instruct me. Isn’t that another incredible example of God’s pre-planned provision for me?

Another great book I’ve just read is Timothy Keller’s short book “On Death”. Joe read it first and then passed it on to me. I read it in 2 sittings about 3 weeks apart and found it extremely useful and insightful and would recommend it to anyone seeking to understand how someone like me can face death the way I do or whose circumstances mean that they too are having to contemplate their own or a loved one's mortality.

I’m getting out to church most weeks that we are about and even made it to the half yearly members’ meeting this week. I miss the midweek prayer meeting as it’s too tiring to sit through at that time of night (I cheated at the members meeting and lay down in the gallery!) which is a shame as it was a real blessing.

I continue to value your prayers. Please pray for Joe as he cares for me and for my mum – doing both is not easy. Please pray for my kids and the wider family as they deal with what’s happening to me in their own individual ways. Please thank God that He is right here in the thick of it with us and that He isn’t done with me yet. I love that He is honing me and moulding me through this process and that He is still using me. I had my first big meltdown this week and it wasn’t pretty but as my mother in law says, if it hadn’t come at some point she’d have been worried that there was “something wrong with me”! It brought stuff to the surface that I didn’t even know was there and I know that I can trust God to deal with it now He has allowed it to come to my attention. But do you know – the joy of it is that God’s love for me is not dependent upon me being ‘good’. My salvation is not dependent upon my being ‘good’. Where I spend eternity is not dependent upon me being ‘good’. My hope, God’s love, my salvation, my eternity in heaven in the presence of God is all dependent upon Jesus and His perfect, sinless sacrifice and His resurrection. In Roman chapter 5 verse 8 the NIV bible says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” And in Ephesians chapter 2 verse 8 the ESV bible reminds us that, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,”

I can face what’s ahead of me knowing how much God loves me and has prepared for me and knowing that none of it relies on me – only on Jesus. Now that’s what real peace feels like.