WITH CRAFTING IN MIND

I’m not a worrier by nature. If I’m concerned about something I’m pretty good at thinking it through to its “logical conclusion”, considering the options and the actions I can take and then if there is nothing more I can do I seem to be able to place the person or situation in the hands of God and then let it be.

However, and this is a really big however, I suffer from anxiety.

There’s a lot of misunderstanding around anxiety. For instance, when I admit to having an anxiety episode a lot of folk ask what it is that I’m anxious about. The answer is usually, “Nothing.” Most of the time my anxiety is under control but if I get over tired or my circumstances undermine my confidence or sense of self-worth then the anxiety rears its head. When both triggers happen at once then we’re in for trouble.

About 4 years ago I started to feel very tired and soon tiredness became a bone weary exhaustion. Friends suggested that it might be an underactive thyroid as I was also struggling to keep my weight under control, but the Dr said my thyroxine levels were just within the acceptable range so I struggled on, and on, and on. Eventually I went back to the Dr - yet again (after much yo-yoing and blood tests) and let him know that the tiredness had now affected my mood. As I had previously had depression I knew the symptoms and so I knew it was either get the thyroid sorted out or put me on antidepressants. He had another look at my most recent blood tests and saw enough to put me on thyroid meds and for 6 months we played about with the dosage in an attempt to get things settled. But the damage was done and at the end of the 6 months I ended up on the antidepressants anyway.

I hated the type of antidepressants they put me on; even when they reduced me to the minimum dose I was foggy, confused and a fraction of my usual self in the workplace. People were noticing plus the effort it took to maintain anything close to my usual standards was exhausting. A fabulously understanding boss let me work flexibly and supported me incredibly through that time and when I came off the antidepressants I felt that perhaps we had weathered the storm. But then the joys of menopause hit and everything changed. Lack of sleep because of hot flushes was only the start of it. My confidence plummeted, I was constantly doubting and second guessing myself and the anxiety attacks became both more frequent and more overwhelming until eventually I was in a pretty much constant state of low level anxiety in addition to the existing peaks. I dropped from a 40 hour week to a 24 hour week to see if that would help but it only made it worse; by the time meetings were prepped for, attended and written up I never seemed to have enough time to really keep on top of things.

I pressed on, trying to ignore how bad I feel, how depressed I’ve become and how constant the low lying anxiety now is; afraid to take time off regardless of the advice of both my new boss and my GP and guess what … I broke. I am now officially broken.

I’ve been put on sick leave.

This is week 7.

In the midst of all this and after much careful consideration I’ve decided that if the NHS will give people prescriptions for free gym sessions/classes then they can certainly give me yarn on prescription as I most definitely crochet as an anxiety medication! If I start to pace, get agitated or anxious then I head for a hook and my yarn stash. If I have no pattern I will just crochet with what I have, even if that means ripping out and starting again every so often – it’s not about the finished project after all, it’s the process; getting lost in the rhythm, in the maths and the “flow” as Rosemary Davidson and Arzu Tahsin (you’ll find them on Instagram as @craftfulness) talk about in their very readable and practical book ‘Craftfulness’ the subtitle of which; “Mend yourself by making things” is pretty self-explanatory. In ‘Craftfulness’ Davidson and Tahsin quote the latest psychiatric research into the wellbeing value of handcrafts, creativity and making/mending things and use compelling anecdotal evidence to back up the idea (of which I have longed been convinced) that we can help our mental and emotional health by expressing ourselves practically and creatively. In their foreword they write, “We make things because we enjoy it and because our crafts make us feel better. It is when we return to our sewing, knitting, bookbinding or weaving that we achieve moments of calm. When our energy is low, making something energises us. When we feel overwhelmed or stressed, crafting returns us to an even keel – it helps to keep the different demands on our time in balance. Making reaches into the place where ideas are sparked and where problems are resolved.” I strongly recommend this book.

Another book I read recently around the notion of creativity is “Called to Create” by Jordan Raynor. I must be drawn to books that have a strong, clarifying subtitle as this one is subtitled “A Biblical Invitation to Create, Innovate and Risk”. Amongst other things, in this book Raynor explores the Biblical viewpoint of another idea around creativity that I have been harping on about for ages; the idea that everyone is creative, just not all in the same area of creativity. This book has been very affirming for me and as I start into a course of CBT I think it will be worth a second read while I work on challenges around the areas of self-esteem and value.

This week some friends came to stay. We were planning our annual autumn crafters weekend but, more importantly we were talking, making and drinking tea (and yes, ok, wine!). By the end of the weekend I was physically drained but I felt more energised and emotionally rejuvenated than I had in months. It wasn’t just the crafting, although that was fab, it was the sense of community. At one point, in the midst of the trialling of our ideas for the weekend, I realised that my best ideas come when I am designing collaboratively. Community is so important to me as a crafter/maker but also just as a woman. The sharing, playing, discussing make me come alive like nothing else, bouncing ideas around makes me a better maker, a better event planner and even a better lesson creator.

As I move forward I’m going to have to be clear with myself and others about my need for creativity and my need for community because once I’ve got myself well I really don’t want to come back to this place again. The Rahabs Ribbon weekly crops that I run, are a great way to get this moving as they are a safe space to fully be yourself while enjoying whatever your current Work In Progress is. (Did you know that crafters call this your WIP? I never knew! But then I didn’t know until recently that you could join a CAL, crochet-a-long, on Facebook to share the process of a crochet project.) walks with my tired, old dog Rex are helping too. I'm trying to take in my familiar surroundings (we've lived here for 23 years) with fresh eyes by taking photos and uploading them onto Instagram. I'd forgotten how beautiful the countryside around me is and I'm glad that I've opened my eyes and I'm seeing it again.

Do you know what, bring on the CBT, the crochet and crafting and the community. I’m eager to get well and then to grow and flourish. And then I want to share those opportunities for community and healing with others. Community, craftfulness and creativity for wellbeing are way too valuable to keep to yourself.

But for a little while longer I'm going to rest.