THIS IS COMPULSORY READING

I'm serious, everyone really should read this. I’m going to tell what the topic of this blog post is in just a moment but PLEASE don’t stop reading when you realise what it is. Everyone should know more about this because either you’re female and this is in your future in some form or another or you’re male and a woman in your life (be it mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, friend or work colleague) will live through it at some point. So grab a cuppa, pull up a chair and let's talk.

photo by rawpixel on unsplash

Menopause is no longer something we need to talk about in whispers. There have been tampon adverts on TV for longer than my married daughter has been alive for goodness sake and even my 86 year old mother now feels comfortable talking about menopause whereas when she was actually going through it, I never knew a thing. If she can talk about it openly then there is no excuse for the rest of us.

Sadly, Mariella Frostrup’s recent (fascinating and informative) BBC programme, The Truth about the Menopause, showed that there is still ignorance and shame around this topic and that very few people who hadn’t already entered the perimenopausal state knew very much about it at all.

To be honest I only knew bits and pieces of scattered information before it actually hit me. I knew about hot flushes, weird facial hair and mood swings because those are the things that you can’t really hide and because, frankly, they are often the butt of jokes at women’s expense and I’d read about the link with osteoporosis as my mum had to adjust her diet to deal with this condition some years ago. I had absolutely no clue about the bone melting exhaustion, the sleeplessness (add that to hot flushes during the night and sleep deprivation is always close at hand), changes to your skin, hair and nails, weight gain, headaches and most shockingly the mental symptoms; anxiety, depression, a crushing loss of confidence and difficulty concentrating.

Mariella’s documentary did something very powerful for me though; it made me feel less alone and less of a hypochondriac, so I am determined to consciously remind myself of what the women she interviewed said. And interestingly, they all said the same thing – communicating with other women about their shared experiences has really helped them feel less alone and isolated. I’ve been following @themenopausecollective on Instagram recently and their mantra of “Approach menopause with compassion, humour and information” hits the spot for me but especially within the context of the creation of intentional community.

3/4 of "The Crafty Ladies" a crafters' cooperative that keeps me sane. Photo credit to the other 1/4

Those of you who have read my first blog post will know that I am clearly not living the middle-aged life I had planned, and this goes for my menopause too. Most of this deviation (I refuse to say ‘failure’) can be attributed to ignorance however and I am having to quickly rewrite my own script. One of my non negotiables in the original schematic had been “I will not be using HRT” because “menopause is a natural part of a woman’s life and HRT is (a) bad, bad, bad and (b) just delaying the inevitable.” I have had to change my tune as I am now on week 4 of my first month of HRT patches. My GP was lovely; really supportive and thoughtful, and she talked me through my options before sending me off to do loads of reading before I would make my decision a week later. I felt heard and respected, as well as trusted to make a grown up decision for myself. I’m not in a high risk group (other than my BMI obviously!) but I still wanted to weigh up the pros and cons quietly and thoughtfully. However, when it came down to it I knew in my core that I just couldn’t continue the way I’m going. My anxiety is so debilitating and utterly draining; I’m constantly second guessing myself and wracked with self-doubt. And, to be honest, I’m done. I have no reserves left – I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted – so when it comes down to it, I have to take whatever help is available because I am clean out of options.

I do seem to spend my life saying, “Yes, I am on HRT but it’s too soon to see an improvement.” My GP did clearly say that it would be up to 12 weeks before I felt any better but everyone apart from me seems to have filtered out that part of the equation and have expected to see a rejuvenated Siobhán 24 hours in. Well that was never going to happen but then I am not the only person suffering and I suppose they lived in hope.

So, what have I learned and what can I share to allow you to have a better menopause or support someone through their best menopause. And in the interests of transparency here my friend Jayne has pointed out that I’m not really taking my own advice at the minute.

For the one going through it;

1. Everyone is different and every menopause is different. What you go through is unique to you and the solution combination will be unique to you also.

2. A difficult menopause does not make you a failure.

3. This is a phase like any other; it feels like it defines you, but this too will pass.

4. Gather a support network around you – community will help the journey go more smoothly.

There's no-one quite like your best friend and Lorna is most definitely mine. Neither of us is much good at selfies though!

5. Try to find the humour – don’t make that face – laughing at yourself will help.

6. Be patient with your partner, family and friends when they don’t get it. They are suffering too – you’re not always easy to be around; a mood hoover that randomly explodes can be stressful to deal with.

7. Talk about it, be honest and smash those archaic taboos that have no relevance to how we live today. Ignore the snide looks from old men or the horror of middle aged prudes, the world will just change around them if we are all more brave and refuse to allow them to control what is beyond their understanding.

8. Be gentle with yourself. You’re in this for the long haul and change may be necessary to keep you afloat.

For the husbands;

1. Please see point 1 above. Just because your mother or your friend’s wife progressed through menopause seamlessly and your wife is a wreck it does not mean that your wife is making more of it than it is or is somehow less strong. See point 2 above.

2. Please see point 1 above. Just because something worked for your mother, your sister or the glamorous woman in the documentary it does not mean it will work for your wife. If she chooses to go down the HRT route it’s important to remember that HRT is not a silver bullet and things may even get worse before they get better…if HRT makes things better at all.

3. This is a phase like any other but it’s not going to be easy for either of you. Patience will be your best ally.

4. Don’t be afraid to talk to your wife about what she’s going though but make sure you JUST LISTEN. You don’t actually have any valid solutions and what she needs is for you to LISTEN.

5. And back her up when she talks about it to others in front of you. I love the fact that my husband has never shushed me or looked embarrassed – in fact he joins in the conversation and actually advances it.

6. Don’t use humour! Just sayin’ dude. On your own head be it if you ignore this advice.

7. Be gentle with your wife. Her confidence is likely in tatters, she can’t concentrate, or sleep, or stop crying and she is never not tired. She needs you to love her, consider her, protect her (even from herself) and stand up for her.

8. Be gentle with yourself. You’re in this for the long haul and change may be necessary to keep you afloat.