in memoria et ut occasiones

I’m old enough to have lived through grief before; I’ve lost grandparents, my Dad, uncles and cousins, even friends. But there is something about this latest bereavement that has hit me very hard. My work mates and I lost a much loved colleague at the end of the summer and we’re still in the very raw phase, especially those he shared an office with. He’d had a short illness and as it was sepsis we knew in our heads that death was always a possible outcome but when the news broke it became clear that we hadn’t really accepted that it might actually happen. Maybe that’s why this grief is so sore or maybe it’s a combination of that along with him being so young, so healthy and so full of life and of course that it was him….so loved…..so very, very loved.

I woke up sobbing one morning last weekend. I had dreamed that he had not turned up to help me with something and had left me in the lurch. It was so totally out of character for him and I was so annoyed at him that I was muttering and giving off to all who would listen. Until someone in my dream said, “Don’t you remember? Con died” and the full force of knowing for the first time hit me afresh and I cried and cried and woke up wracked with sobs, my shoulders heaving and my pillow soaked with tears.

I’ve changed as a result of this loss. I’ve changed how I behave - I tell people that I love them and that they are special, way more often and without reservation. You see I’m left with a wish I can never fulfil as I wish I’d verbalised to Con what I’m pretty sure he knew but I never said out loud; that I loved him and thought he was an incredible person. So I’m never taking that chance again. People should hear it from my mouth as well see it in my behaviour. It’s been lovely to see people respond to a simple, “I love you and I think you are amazing.” I just wish I’d got to see his face light up that way as well. How sad that I had to learn such a basic lesson this way.

I’ve changed my outlook on my own life too. I ask myself more often; what are you waiting for? and I remind myself that life is short and that every moment is to be relished and savoured, every opportunity grasped and that being present in the now should be given the priority it deserves. I have been putting off doing something new and challenging myself with what feels like a Divine Calling – waiting for the zero risk, “right” time that will never come. But no more, if Con’s early death has taught me anything it’s that life comes with no longevity guarantee; God makes us no promises about reaching old age or even middle age. So what am I waiting for? … Well, nothing as it turns out. I’ve gone part time and will now have more time to write, to make and create, to study and learn and to develop ways of earning my living through my creativity and my desire to build community for women. Not going to be busy at all then…

But there’s something else I’ve learned and, to be honest, am still learning to act on. And it’s really very simple. I need to be much clearer about sharing the gospel. Just as words alone are not enough so also, actions are not enough. Jesus has given us the task of sharing the gospel and I need to open my mouth and share because none of us knows what tomorrow brings and when our last chance to speak will be. I wish I’d talked more openly with Con about my faith and Jesus’ redemptive work on the cross. I failed him as a friend in a very fundamental way and in a way that I can never repair. I don’t plan to make that mistake again and will watch for the Yirah fear – that energy charged feeling of scary anticipation when God prompts us with a quiet, “now is the moment to speak truth” – so that I don’t miss my chance again.

Maybe that’s how I can sum this all up – it’s about the grasping of opportunities; opportunities to offer affirmation and love, opportunities to act boldly and be our best selves and opportunities to speak truth and the gospel.

Here’s to grasping every opportunity.

In memory of Conor Napier (1980 – 2018); beloved son, brother, uncle and friend.